


Numb

by Shade_Penn1



Series: As I Am [5]
Category: Avalon High (2010), Rise of the Guardians (2012)
Genre: Gen, Gender Issues, Internal Monologue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-01
Updated: 2013-01-01
Packaged: 2017-11-23 04:31:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/618098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shade_Penn1/pseuds/Shade_Penn1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Allie gets seen, and she promptly freaks in a way that makes her question herself. </p><p>If someone believed in her, then they were thinking of a man instead of a girl.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Allie had been man enough to admit when that soon after not talking and interacting, she was starting to get lonely. She didn’t know how Jack could have spent 300 years of doing it, but if she could, she would’ve given him a medal. She didn’t know him well enough to call him her friend, but with going to meet each other at Big Ben the next day, it felt wrong to show up empty handed. 

To show her appreciation for him being willing to spent time with a newbie like her, or as he called her, a ‘kid.’ Not that he looked much older than she did, so for all she knew he could’ve been the younger one as he’d ever given her a specific age, though if he couldn’t remember who he was before he died, then he probably didn’t know how old he was.

Allie realized how sad that sounded in her head, which only solidified her conviction of giving Jack something to show how much she wanted to be his friend, and to thank him for trying to be hers. She’d never spent enough time around with other kids in her old schools to really have any friends, and just when she thought she might’ve been able to at her newest school, she _died_.

If she didn’t know it wasn’t possible for them to die, Allie would have been worried about Jack leaving her like she left the friends at her school. 

Guilt had set in as she’d had time to think and knew everyone must have thought she was either dead or ran away from home; they were right about one of those at least. And she couldn’t even tell them that both didn’t matter; she could have told Marco, but she didn’t want to make him seem crazy to everyone else. 

Allie made her way down the streets of London and pilfered some food, grabbing some extra because she knew that if she got hungry, Jack might get hungry too. She didn’t know what he might like, so she got a variety and kept it in the bag she had with her and ran off for the tower. In the week she’d had to explore, she had shamefully spent most of it thinking about what to do as there were places other than Arthur-related she wanted to see, so she’d opted for a museum in the end for the fourth day. 

On the fifth day she’d spent it just admiring the city as with all the running around urgency she was stressing herself with, it was actually relaxing to forget her troubles. That was until she got walked through and everything came back with a painful clarity. 

Didn’t anyone at all still believe? When the sixth day came around, Allie decided that along with bringing food, she wanted to bring something else with her. 

So she went looking on the streets and sidewalks for any change she could find as she would have felt bad about stealing something she didn’t need to sustain herself with. Food was a necessary thing she had to steal, but she wouldn’t steal anything else if she could help it. After managing to scrounge up some change from sewer grates that people didn’t notice their money fall into and the street corners, she found she had about a handful of pounds. 

It wasn’t a lot, but it was better than nothing. Though she didn’t know the price range here and this could just be worse than nothing for all she knew.

Allie grimaced and tried not to think about that before she went into a store and waited by the counter to see how the money thing worked here and what the costs were. If she could tell how much she actually had in her hand, then she could try to find something to leave in exchange for the gift she wanted to get. 

She gritted her teeth and brushed away the feelings of unease as people walked through her, but she kept her gaze steadfastly on the people buying things and tried to ignore it. Her mind was so focused on the money that when she felt someone knock into her she glowered down at the kid. “Watch where your-” she froze and stared with wide eyes filled with shock.

The kid was starting back, was staring _at_ her, and in the kid’s eyes she could see her own reflection. Out of everyone she’d walked unnoticed by, this was how she got finally acknowledged? 

Instead of feeling elation at knowing she was believed in, Allie was terrified because she realized it wasn’t _her_ this child believed in. It was different with Marco because he knew her, and still believed, but in _her_ and not just who she had been. This child just probably thought of King Arthur and didn’t even have the slightest idea that was who they were staring at.

She was just a nobody in comparison after all. Arthur hadn’t turned out to be Will, like everyone had thought, but it was her. She’d been a disappointment before anyone realized it; the feeling left her numb inside.

The child furrowed their brow in annoyance. “You watch it, lady.” 

The mother looked down in confusion; her eyes though were staring right at Allie. She ushered the child around her and they were on their way. 

Allie gasped and her chest felt constricted; she needed air _now_. Not even flinching when she ran through the person coming into the store, the blonde ran down the street and to a deserted corner, feeling her racing pulse and felt herself wanting to collapse as all the emotions coursed through her.

That mother and child _both_ saw her, and yet they had no idea who it was they were looking at. They probably just saw a girl staring in space and avoided her rightfully like she was a weirdo. Allie felt so pathetic about her reaction, because whether they knew who she was, at least they were _seeing_ her.

She wondered how Jack would’ve reacted if someone managed to see him, though in his case it would be because at least someone believed in _him_ and not just an ideal that couldn’t even be born in the right body to make the transition easier to believe she was who she said.

Allie felt along the steel of the butter knife hooked into her belt with one finger and knew if she’d showed them Excalibur the reaction would’ve been _bad_ because then they would’ve seen some psycho girl with a sword in a store and that wasn’t at all how she wanted this to go. She tried to keep the more depressing thoughts about what it meant to be King Arthur at bay, but after being seen by believers, but not being seen for herself, she started to question whether or not she really _should_ have been born a girl.

She’d been fine in her own skin before this all happened and when she was too young to understand what her dreams back then had meant, but these issues were too big to ignore any longer now that she _did_ understand what they meant. It was like something had both been thrown out of alignment and yet she still felt so right about who she was.

When it got down to it, Allie supposed it because she was scared of the fact she wasn’t what everybody had wanted her to be. The Order of the Bear had been waiting for Will to be Arthur, and so had her parents when she convinced them it was Will, and she herself had also thought it was him. But it wasn’t him, it was her, just a little…girl who…didn’t know what she…was getting in…to...

Allie felt horror and shame wash over her when she found herself thinking back to what Pitch had said and actually _agreeing_ with him about it. She didn’t know what hurt more, the fact he was _right_ or that she thought he was right too. Both left her nauseated and wanting to crawl under a rock and never come out again. 

She didn’t like thinking down on herself as she’d always had to cheer herself up when she’d avoid the other kids at her previous school because she knew her parents would be moving soon. 

There were the other issues Allie knew she had, but right now she just wanted to push everything away since she didn’t want to bring Jack down tomorrow with her sulky mood. Though if she was tactful enough, maybe she could ask him how he managed to _be_ so cheery.

The blonde shook her head and walked out of the alley before going into a store, hopefully feeling like she’d watched enough money being exchanged to know how it worked here. Allie walked down the aisle as she looked for something Jack might have liked; she was no good at picking things out for men, she’d always had her mother get her dad something for his birthday. 

She only stopped at a rack of trinkets at the counter that were quite nice-looking, if a bit small though. She looked back around the store, but didn’t see anything that immediately jumped out at her so she looked back at the rack. She noticed a snow globe key chain trinket and wondered if Jack would have liked that. 

Deciding on buying it, Allie waited for the cashier to leave momentarily before plucking the globe off the rack and put the money on the counter and made her way out of the store. She put the key chain in her pocket and ran to the clock tower looking over the city. The wind still felt biting against her skin with the speed she was going at, but didn’t let it bother her now that she was starting to get used to it. She had to get used to the cold after all if she was going to be meeting Jack at the clock every week.

Briefly, as she turned a corner that was near the tower, she wondered what he _was_ doing. Shaking her head though, she kept on running and once she reached the top of the tower, she skid to a stop in front of the balcony, earplugs secured in her other pocket as she didn’t want to be awoken in the middle of the night by the tower’s chiming. 

She’d been out all day and sat down by the rail, looking through the intricate holes at the city as she leaned against it and put the earplugs in. It was getting dark out and she wanted to be around when Jack got there so he wouldn’t think she forget what day they agreed on. 

She closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep.

\------------

Allie was started to get worried as she paced around the balcony, the earplugs taken out only for when the clock wasn’t ringing. It was already more than halfway through the day and Jack still hadn’t arrived yet. What was taking him? Had he just forgotten or did he think she wasn’t ‘alright’ as he’d called her and didn’t want to see her? 

The blonde bit her lip and peered up at the tower up over the rail at the time, 2 pm now and still no sign of the other teen. 

Allie kept on pacing around the balcony, anxiety starting to set in and she wondered if he was going to show at all. She leaned on the rail and looked up at the clock again, squinting her eyes against the harsh sunlight peeking in through the clouds overhead and frowned when she saw that the time hadn’t moved along very much.

Deciding to take her mind off her the clock and hoping time would fly enough for Jack to show up, she grabbed the butter knife and it always left sort of a mystified impression about wha- _who_ she was as the dull edged knife turned into a blade that gleamed in what little light what was out. It still made her wonder if things just happened to turn invisible when she touched them as no one had commented on seeing strange things like a floating back pack or clothing. 

It also made more sense that things probably did turn invisible as Jack had said he was around for 300 years, and whether his clothes were frosted, he probably didn’t _die_ in a modern hoodie. Though she’d be willing to believe he’d probably had it for a while as his clothes did look kind of worn. 

Coming out of her previously depressive thoughts, Allie found it envious that he could walk around without wearing any shoes or look unaffected by such weather while she had to wear paper or something else to layer her clothing. How did he do it? She’d have to ask him when she saw him.

Allie blinked and felt her frown deepened as her thoughts once again turned back to worrying about him. It was ridiculous to be so clingy over one person, but Jack had left an impression on her, not just because he seemed so cheerful, but because of the fact he was the only other immortal ‘child’ she’d actually met. 

‘Child’ was a bit strong of a term as he _did_ look older than her; she’d give him that much leeway. Though how much older could he be anyway? 

Allie shook her head and looked down at the sword in her hand and experimentally gave a few slashes haphazardly. Like with her dream before everything went to hell, the sword felt right in her hands, even though she knew she must have looked so idiotic, but she supposed she needed to learn how to use this without fearing for her life at some point. 

The girl winced as she realized this sword might have come in handy when she was being attacked instead of just thinking she could run to Will. The wince turned into a scowl as she tightened her grip on the handle and it hit where it hurt because she _knew_ that she didn’t know how to use the weapon. 

Allie sighed and slammed the sword into the ground, feeling the blade go cleanly into the floor and when she let go, it shrank down to the butter knife. She slid down the wall and stared at it, then at her hand before shaking her head and looked out over the city, grimacing as she found herself worrying _again_. 

The clouds were blocking out the sun and wondered if it was actually going to start snowing, it certainly seemed cold enough. 

She had seen slush on the streets so it must have flurried in the past few days so it must have already started. 

“I wonder why he isn’t here?” she whispered. “I haven’t even been back alive for very long and already I’m losing a friend.”

“Then maybe you should have _stayed_ dead.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pitch shoes up to twist the knife in, but Allie has something to say to that.

Allie had never actually _met_ Pitch and she doubted that catching just a glimpse of him or scratching up his arms counted; but hearing that voice once more out in the open made Allie feel like her heart was going to stop from terror alone. It was bad enough when she heard it at night, but out in the _daytime_? 

Allie slowly peered away from the side to where the shadows of the bell were situated and she tried to make herself calm down. She grimaced though when she saw him…she felt rather disappointed. She was expecting something different, like something really out of a nightmare, not…normal-looking. And she was scared of him more than Mordred? Then again, most of her fear came from the fact she never _did_ see him and the shadow she had seen left a lot to the imagination, that and he’d killed her.

But aside from the gray skin and odd eyes, he didn’t look at all like what she was expecting. The voice though freaked her out, but other than that, Allie felt fear slowly draining away as realized that this time she might actually be able to have a fighting chance now that she was immortal. “There’s no river for you to drown me in this time.”

“No, but there’s a perfectly good ledge I can throw you over.” He snapped and looked annoyed. “Better yet, I should have gotten rid of your body altogether, but here I thought since you were killed in the first place that the Man in the Moon wouldn’t have thought you were anything special. Beating Mordred was a fluke after all. You still died like any other human, but at least you had the decency to die _with_ Mordred the last time, Arthur.”

Allie pursed her lips, any remaining fear being overridden by irritation. “My name isn’t Arthur! It’s _Allie_ ; not _Arthur_!” 

Pitch stared at her, before a razor sharp smirk appeared on his face and Allie got nervous. “You really think it _matters_ what your new name is? That’s all anyone’s ever going to see you as, that’s what you’re so scared of.” He chuckled darkly. “And you _know it_ ; it’s why you got so depressed when those people saw you.”

Allie froze. “How do you know that? Have…have you been _following_ me?” she asked cringing back.

“How do think I found you? How do you think I found you in the _first place_?” Pitched questioned smirking. “After the meteors and eclipse happened, I just looked for the one person who would be so scared of being some legendary king’s reincarnation.”

“But I never believed in you, you shouldn’t have been able to kill me in the first place.” Allie retorted.

“You still believed someone was _there_ , was out to get you, and after I used your precious Bedivere to make you peak, I didn’t need you to know _who_ , just that there _was_ someone there. And it worked too.” Pitch scowled at her and looked down at his hands. “Too well.” He said sliding back his sleeve to show the deep scratches. 

“You _drowned_ me,” Allie hissed angrily, “I was fighting for my life.”

“And you _lost_.” Pitch retorted.

Allie flinched as the memory came back, the feeling of the water filling her mouth and nose, choking her. She swallowed the bile rising in her throat and thinned her lips. “So did you, because I’m still here.”

Instead of getting angry or showing any outward sign of discontent, Pitch smirked again. “Yes, you’re going to be very threatening with only a very small handful that seemed to believe in you and none of them are even aware of what you are this time. How does it make you feel, Arthur? Being nothing but a disappointment to your prophecy? Look at you, not even your _gender_ is right.”

Allie felt the jab just deeper than any sword could have and she clenched her fists. It would take some time for her sort out these issues, but now was not the time, nor was this the person she wanted to bring it up. “ _Shut up_!” 

“Hit a nerve did I? This shouldn’t come as a surprise to you, since you already know this yourself.”

“Shut up, shut up, _SHUT UP_!” Allie shouted and tried to block out the terrifying thoughts that agreed with him. She heard the ‘clink’ of something hitting the floor and she peered down at a small snowflake sculpture lying haphazardly at her feet. “What? What is this?”

“Don’t you like it; apparently Frost liked you enough to leave that here when you didn’t show up.” Pitch said patronizingly. 

“What did you do to him?” Allie asked angrily.

“What you really should be asking is, ‘why did I let my friend down?’ But then again, you seemed to have a knack for that, don’t you?” Pitch replied. “I think your body really should have been that of a man’s, at least then your weakness would be overlooked.   
Though either way, I still wouldn’t have let you live. But who knows, you might have actually made your demise more amusing than just running away for help.”

Allie narrowed her eyes, but she refused to retort and let him see just how much he was riling her up. Though deep down, she felt the knife twist again and it _hurt_.

Pitch suddenly looked thoughtful, and his words made Allie pale. “Maybe if you’d been a man you wouldn’t have died. I’m sure a man would have been able to fight back, but for all your speed, you were simply to _weak_ to do anything to save yourself.” He said and smirked. “And even _after_ you died you had to be saved.”

Allie pursed her lips and the stinging didn’t let up. She knew what he was trying to do, but she assured herself that he didn’t know about Marco, or that she _had_ managed to do things for herself. But it still hurt. “You’re right,” she said listlessly, “it would make things easier if I was a man, but it wouldn’t have made a difference.” She pulled the butter knife out of the floor and it turned into Excalibur. “But I’m still going to make a difference, so leave before the difference I start with will be the rearrangement of your face!”

Allie knew she must not have been a threatening sight, with a sword that looked just a little too awkward in her hands and her hair matted from being unable to take a brush to it, but she’d at least hoped her angry expression made up for that. Although if she was hoping to be seen as some kind of threat at all; it all flew out the window when the man before her just started laughing like she was some kind of joke.

Which, Allie thought bitterly, he probably thought she was as he’s made it clear he found her very existence disdainful.

“You couldn’t protect yourself before, what makes you think you’d have a chance _now_?” he questioned darkly.   
Allie didn’t answer because doing so would just confirm what he already knew: she didn’t know. In her battle with Mordred she’d won because of luck and adrenaline, but what did she have now? Allie’s eyes narrowed as decided to not think about what she _didn’t_ have and what she _did_ have. 

The blonde looked out at the sun shining through the clouds and chasing them away before smirking. “This.” She said lifting her sword and caught the sunlight so it shined in Pitch’s face and made him look away temporarily. Knowing she’d probably end up severely hurt anyway, Allie stuffed the snowflake into her pocket and lifted herself onto the rail. She looked over her shoulder at   
Pitch and her smirk widened. “I’ll admit this much, I _am_ fast now. And even if I have to run for the rest of my life,” she glared at him, “I’ll make sure you can never catch me again.”

With that, Allie jumped off the rail and began descending to the ground at a rapid rate. Adrenaline pumping through her faster than ever before, Allie began to run along the wall of the tower once her feet connected and as the ground got closer, Allie steeled herself to keep running and at the last point when the tower and ground met, Allie kept running.

She was leaving all her problems behind, she had to find her new friend and explain things after all.


End file.
